I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
😂😂😂
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Nose
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”