I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.