I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
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I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
do u think theres a butter planet?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?