I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them