I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
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I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.