My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
There’s never enough good news
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?