My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.