*limbos away from your hug*
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.