I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?