Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
termite twitter scares me
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss