@david8hughes: [interrogation] What were u doing last nite? I was killin my neighbour, Bert. Louder for the tape? [leans in] Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

@ThisCantBRight: I don't condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.

@audipenny: Him: you look tired today Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

@StarWarsProblms: Officer: We're building the Death Star as fast as we can. Vader: I have new ways to motivate you. *implements margarita Tuesdays*

@SteveKoehler22: This headline stunned me- "Mars to reduce carbon emissions" Until I realized it was the candy maker ... and not the planet.