I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You Might Also Like
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
next level snooze
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*