I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.