@Dawn_M_: I'd make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
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@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
@Smiilze: Forgot to turn on the oven. Food's been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
@Bagyants: When a computer program says "Not Responding" I start texting it stuff like "Who are you with?" and "Just heard our song"