Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
RT if you could go either way.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”