not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
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The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway