@klickitatstreet: I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
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@krisv_723: Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah's Witnesses doors. "I'd like to talk to you about modern science "
@KeetPotato: [lookin in bushes for our baby] me: where the hell can he be? dog: roof roof roof me: will you shut up [baby waves at the dog from the roof]
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway? me: So your mom doesn't have to borrow the car