@klickitatstreet: I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
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@Underchilde: Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you’re not at your desk.
@Parker_Simpson: It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows
@remington3000: I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I'm going to pass them out to kids.
@onion_an: [police raid at balloon store] Cop on radio:"We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over" Hedgehog cop inside:"Its not gunfire, over"