@klickitatstreet: I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
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@ItMightBeJim: Meets girl at bar. Takes her to Ikea. Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
@adriennekhals: Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.
@notalogin: You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.
@murrman5: excuse me, waitress? "I'm not a waitress" Oh, what are you then "Well, I'm a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?"