I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.