@WillSaysStuff: I'd pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.
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@jlock17: If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
@KeetPotato: [reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach] to myself: "updog.. what's updog?" [another bottle hits my foot]
@hyperblastchic: Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot! Priest: This is communion... M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr- P: Leave.
@iwearaonesie: wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it! me *runs in* wife: Did you get it!? me [has no idea wtf she's talking about] Yep