Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
bury ourselves
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”