I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.