I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Bros before Ohioes
ugh not again
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.