@TheCatWhisprer: I'd rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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@MartaEffing: I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.
@Be___Dope: Her: baby can you come up here and play with me? Me: *sprints up stairs Her: I'm kidding. Can you hand me the remote? Me: this is so us
@HeyZeus666: Some people will believe anything if you start with 'This is just between you and me'.
@TheHyyyype: ME: *tells joke* WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school [later] ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th