I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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Feel. He’s so soft.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me