@CheryeDavis: I'd rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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@freypalm: [comedy club] Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?! Other worms: *silence* Early bird: *cracking up*
@AndyAsAdjective: I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
@CountGripsnatch: I'm no architect, but I don't think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.
@NamestartswithZ: My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book 'The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron' is a hit with both critics and readers.