@CheryeDavis: I'd rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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@CroweJam: There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
@dreamthievin: Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
@Dutch_50: I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can't help but slice everything as if I'm in an infomercial.
@WilliamAder: When your pet is staring at you, it's probably thinking "I wonder how long those things live."