@CheryeDavis: I'd rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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@AmishPornStar1: Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?" Nurse: "B positive." Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."
@ceejoyner: One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you'll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
@Lowenaffchen: My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons "speech impediment" was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work