@CheryeDavis: I'd rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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@batkaren: We've secretly replaced Janet's coffee with melatonin capsules. Let's see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
@BrownDogBlanket: No way in hell anyone who’s ever actually been around a child with a drum kit would’ve written Little Drummer Boy.
@turd_firebird: If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.