I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system