I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
So we got a goldfish…
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer