@Dawn_M_: I'd rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
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@the_tsai_guy: If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.
@notfaizzy: My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone's been thinking of me so much they're giving me a stroke!
@omgthatspunny: The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
@DallyDoll: My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there.