I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
this has to be peak English
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.