I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
no!! no!!!!!!
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.