@OhNoSheTwitnt: I'd run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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@SteveKoehler22: Blonde in laundromat asks to have a sweater cleaned. Attendant : "Come again ?" ( not hearing ) Blonde: "Nope, Just mustard this time"
@TheAlexNevil: Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her "insurance would call" me. Someones still carrying a torch!
@dshack8: Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.
@gerryhallcomedy: "I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over" - guy who invented the accordion