@OhNoSheTwitnt: I'd run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheIronSherk: [Ouija board] O spirits, let me talk to m- C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I *squints* What the heck? A 3G board?
@zachreinert03: Just saw a woman getting 'running lessons' with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could've taught her for free and with only a chainsaw
@LauraBenanti: I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I'm hiding in the bathroom.
@trentistweeting: [interview] My biggest weakness is that I'm too literal "That's fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!" *turns to whiteboard* welcome