I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores