@maughammom: I'd say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we're not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
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@MelKassel: LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like 'what is she thinking'
@dyldonot: [first date] me: [don't let her know you're a microwave] her: my food is a bit cold me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
@sincir3000: Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work. Me: I don't wear pajamas B: just wear whatever you sleep in M: ok, you asked for it.
@fordm: BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg— BRUCE: Bring me a cape