I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.