I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?