I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Bootstraps
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.