I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Festive toon…
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security