@longwall26: Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit.
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@primawesome: The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I've decided to get stronger.
@mjkspeaks: [meeting with boss] "I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday." "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!"
@mrtruthandsoul: I've decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back
@bobvulfov: [speed dating] DATE: ding ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth DATE: no ME: we have 4 minutes left DATE: *louder this time* ding