Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
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Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
#dalle2
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…