Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
sigh
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.