IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
new career option?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked