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Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.