Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff