@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
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@BillFienberg: If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it's called "cheating."
@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.
@jordan_stratton: *drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.