@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
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@lovemyboots111: Apparently asking the boss " who ignited the fuse on your tampon?" will get you sent to HR.
@blainecapatch: whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
@Milla_Jacobs: I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open