@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@drhappyknuckles: I'm writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
@sad_tree: When people say "You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!" I'm like: Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*