@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
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@Mindless4Miles: Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
@JessObsess: I haven't asked any of my coworkers what they're doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
@BringDaNoyz: I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle's house and one of my cousins was like, "hey look it's bitcoin" and held up a piece of gelt that he'd taken a bite out of