My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.