@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
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@Home_Halfway: WINNIE THE POOH: There's a rumbly in my tumbly ME: Use regular words you half naked glutton
@Girl_Censored: A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said "you're like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
@thats_a_morey: What's that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
@DanMentos: [signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"