I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
can’t catch a break
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.