Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em