If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Try and stop me.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker