If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
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What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
This will never not be funny to me.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
WHY?!
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.