If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
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Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many