If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.