@dire_beard: If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.
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@ManicMinxy: Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining. He used Pledge. In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.
@capnmcfword: He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken. She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
@Schmoodles: Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.
@blazed_ncis: *going through mail* "bills bills bills bills bills" "I think I'll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine."