If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Woke up against my better judgment again
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?