@dire_beard: If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.
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@KentWGraham: I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
@JamieGreenlees: Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I'm making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo's.
@That_Damn_Duck: I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
@MariyaAlexander: Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.