If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.