If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
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My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie