If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me