Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.