It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.