You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You Might Also Like
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.