If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
The most important meal of the day is the next one
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
🤣😂🤣
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
my mom making me talk to relatives