@Fred_Delicious: If a Facebook video says "you won't believe what happens next" then I replace "believe" with "care"
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@jordan_stratton: Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge.
@Sassafrantz: I'm always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I'm sensitive but I've killed people.
@ruinedpicnic: parent: why did you do this to my child willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won
@TheCatWhisprer: [pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute