@Fred_Delicious: If a Facebook video says "you won't believe what happens next" then I replace "believe" with "care"
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@JimGaffigan: "Today I'm just going to wear pajamas all day." - Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
@iamburtjarvis: HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK: STEP 1: buy a recliner STEP 2: buy some beer STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
@lovemydogduck: Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I've already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
@WilliamAder: Turned off my lights for "earth hour". I've never had so many other cars honking at me.