If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
This kid will have a bright future.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
im 7 sauces long
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.