If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
ok this is my dumbest yet
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn鈥檛 have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 馃槒
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
There鈥檚 a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Need WebMD
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
sry